Your Love is all I needed

As this year ended, there is one word that sums it up for me…LOVE.

I was able to continue sharing my love of the outdoors with my children. I had the opportunity to take my children to one of my favorite places in the Sierras…Yosemite National Park. We went there with the knowledge that we would probably be snowed on. In addition, we got about a foot and a half dumped on us over night. However, like I know my kids are, they were troopers and they fell in love with the outdoors even more.

Later that year, a co-worker invited us to camp with her family at Pinecrest Lake. Pinecrest Lake? I had heard of it as a party spot, but did not know it was located right below Dodge Ridge, a place I had found about four years ago. As soon as we drove into the campground, I immediately fell in love with the place. My kids and I took our bikes and rode down to the lake. It was beautiful, the way the mountains crossed on the backside of the lake at the inlet. The shoreline lined with cabins tucked into the trees. I had found another place in the Sierra’s I was not familiar with and was hooked. I immediately began planning our trip with their family for next summer.

As things would happen, I found someone who loved the outdoors as much as I did. Her love and knowledge of the Sierra’s was very impressive to me. For a person like me who has spent a lot of time in the Sierra’s, including a 50+ miler, she had spent more time there than I could ever imagine. The romance was a whirlwind relationship that appeared perfect. However, as the relationship went on, it was not perfect, there was something missing.

Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

The relationship was missing a mutual relationship with the Lord. An earthly relationship is one that is fraught with difficulty and intrusion by the Devil who seeks to destroy relationships and marriages. Relationships not only need the love of each other, but the love of others and the love of Jesus Christ.

“The greatest gift you can give to your [relationship] is for you to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ.” ~ John Eldridge

As I read another book by John Eldridge and his wife Stasi Eldridge, I thought about my marriage and my past relationships. I always lived my relationships in fear. The fear of loving, the fear of not being loved, the fear of abandonment, the fear of being chastised if I talked about an issue or just fear in general.

A typical issue was addressing an issue brought up by the other person. If there was an issue that needed to be discussed, the first thing that came to my mind was; there was something wrong with me or with us. I thought ignoring the issue or putting it on the backburner would make the issue “disappear”. I was the master of deflection and putting up my walls to protect myself.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

As I look back on my life, there has been a lot of pain and suffering I have endured. But for some reason I have not responded well to that pain. Maybe it was part of the outer shell I have developed to cope with my job. Maybe it was “another brick” in the proverbial wall that I have built up over the years. For whatever the reason, the Lord was trying to teach me that I needed him in my life, but I was not listening.

Lamentations 3:32 – 33 ~ Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to any human being.

One of the most painful experiences in my life was when I received the last phone call from my brother. David was surprised that I answered and thought I was up in the mountains snowboarding. He asked me for a favor. He told me he was going to call me back and asked that I not answer the phone and allow it to go to voicemail. “Brotherly Love” is sometimes unconditional and I told him I would not answer the phone. He also asked me not to listen to the message until several hours later that night. Some parts of “Brotherly Love” you question.

Many of you know that that was David’s suicide voicemail to me. To save that story for later, but I did not turn TO the Lord until sometime later. Instead, I did the opposite and turned AWAY from the lord.

Looking at my current situation, the Lord wanted to correct my brokenness. Again, although the Lord does not want to resort hurting his children, I just plain was not listening. My pride and stubbornness was in the way. The Lord brought someone into my life that was helping me to break down those walls, but I was still broken inside. I had personal issues to contend with that did not help with the mend my brokenness. I was still dealing with a contentious divorce, and trying to heal myself and my children from the anger of that relationship.

The Lord then did something and I finally listened. I knew the Lord was always there, I just never “found” him. Over the years I never got it right and kept chasing dreams that were earthly and not on a spiritual level. I have found that the Lord’s Love is all that really matters and all I ever really needed.

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the light
I tried to satisfy the hunger, I never got it right
I never got it right
So I climbed a mountain and built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I'm getting older, I'm running out of dreams
I'm running out of dreams

But your love, your love
The only thing that matters is 
Your love, your love
Is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It's your love, your love 
All I ever needed is your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken, not everything is lost
Not everything is lost, no

You're the hope in the morning
You're the light when the night is falling
You're the song when my heart is singing
It's your love

You're the eyes to the blind man
You're the feet to the lame man walking
You're the sound to the people singing
It's your love

Your love is all that I needed
All I ever needed is your love
All I ever needed is your love
Your love is all that I needed
All I ever needed is your love
Your love is all that I needed
It's all I ever needed
Brandon Heath – Your Love

My New Year’s Resolution for 2011 is:

“I will NOT love someone with the fear of losing them. I WILL love with all my heart with the desire to HOLD onto them and not self-destruct the relationship. I will LOVE with the LORD in my Heart and by my side.”

Whether or not I find my true love in 2011 is part of God’s plan, this will be my resolution for years to come as to how I plan on living my life and loving the person the Lord has in store for me.

God Bless all of You and I wish you all the best in 2011.

Here in your arms...I'm Forgiven

December 29, 2010

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

A Mentor to Author Gil Bailie

During the last several weeks, I have had the opportunity to speak with people whom I would have not have normally connected with. One of them in particular reached out to me and recommended a book to me. He recommended a book by John Eldridge – Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. As soon as I started reading this book, I could not put it down. I finished it in three days.

Chapter 11 reached down to my soul. John stated, “God is intimately personal with us and he speaks in ways that are peculiar to our own quirky hearts-not just through the Bible, but through the whole creation.”

He goes on talking about how the lord talks to his wife through movies and through him through sunsets, friends, films, books etc. I thought how the lord speaks to me and came up with several different ways. I love music, from singing in choir to band to listening to a wide assortment of music. I recently surprised Matt when he asked me if I had ever heard of “Fortunate Son” and I said “yes, Credence Clearwater Revival or CCR”. I also love the outdoors, from the mountains (especially) to the ocean.

John Challenged the reader, he challenged me that in order to recover my “Heart’s Desire”, I needed to get away from the grind of my daily life, all the noise and distractions that come with it and find time with my own soul. I needed to head into the wilderness where it was quiet and I had some solitude.

I immediately thought of what I could do and when I could do it. The second week of Christmas vacation was coming up, my kids would be going back to their mom’s for the break, and I would be able to trek off on my own. Although it has been years, I have numerous hours of wilderness survival skills, including cold weather camping and survival. Perfect, the mountains to spend a day and night by myself where I could cancel out all the noises and sounds related to my daily life. I selected a location off Highway 4 that I am very familiar with the backcountry, began thinking of the gear I would need, including borrowing some snowshoes from my dad.

I told several friends that I would send them a delayed email, that if they received it, would mean that I had not returned yet and to send out the Calvary. Although I could see myself living to a ripe old age and dying in the mountains somewhere, I am nowhere near wanting that just yet.

Well as things have happened for a reason lately, my son Matt did not go to his mom’s house for the second week. That in itself is another story that at this point and time does not warrant speaking about. Therefore, now I had Matt with me and wanted to do some bonding with him, yet still have some solitude time. Snowboarding. I could take him snowboarding, put him in a lesson and spend some time by myself.

Although I am building my father son bond with Matt, I was compelled to ask Serina to go with us too. Serina is the daughter of my Brother David’s girlfriend for many years prior to his death. I had recently reconnected with her and her mother and received an answer to a prayer to help Serina. David was like a father figure for her until his death when she was eight. I wanted to help her cope with David’s death like I have and helping her to find her way back to the lord.

So, today we went snowboarding. Serina came over last night and we prayed before bed and I asked the lord for calm weather for our trip as we were amidst one of the big storms of the season. It rained and the wind howled all night. We woke up this morning and in the dark walked out to clear skies. As we drove towards the mountains, the sunrise was inviting and showed blue skies.

As we got into the mountains, the snow started falling as we got to about 4000 feet. Nonetheless, the majority of the drive was in calm weather.

Matt and Serina went to their snowboarding lesson and I was able to go off by myself for a bit. I took the lifts to the highest point in the park. For some reason, all the lifts today went extra slow, maybe because of the weather, or maybe the Lord just needed me to reflect as I slowly meandered up the lifts to the top of the mountain. As we got to the top, the wind was blowing harder, visibility was down to about 50’ and the snow was coming in sideways.

I got to the top of the mountain and found a place to sit. I just sat there, head down listening to the sound of the wind blowing the snow all around me. I listened to the sound of the snow hitting my jacket and making a soft tapping sound. There were people around me, but I could not hear them. They were drowned out by the sound of the Lord talking to me. As I sat there for awhile, just thinking about my life, where I’ve been, what I've experienced in my career, where I am headed in life, the snow slowly started to build up around me, on my shoulders, head and my body. It was as if the lord was there next to me, wrapping his arms around me, telling me that everything was all right and he was there for me. I felt at ease with life and where he was taking me. It was not the “adventure” I had planned out, but again, the lord works in mysterious ways and it might not have been safe for me to be out in the storm last night by myself. Maybe he felt I would be better suited to bond with Matt and Serina. For whatever reason, he had me on that hillside today.

As I was getting ready to head down the mountain, I turned on my music and it began playing a song by Sanctus Real. I had recently found a song that touched me to the core by Sanctus Real called “Lead Me”, so I downloaded it onto iTunes. Apparently I liked a couple of their other songs from their previews and downloaded them too. The song I downloaded and heard was “Forgiven”. It stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes.

Well the past is playing with my head

And failure knocks me down again

I’m reminded of the wrong

That I have said and done

And that devil just wont let me forget
In this life

I know what I’ve been

But here in your arms

I know what I am
I’m forgiven

I’m forgiven

And I don’t have to carry

The weight of who I’ve been

Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind

And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night

When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
When I don't think and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Sanctus Real - Forgiven

I realized I had just found a part of my soul. My journey began with me asking the Lord for forgiveness because even though I was aware of how he wanted me to live my life, I had not been living my life. I know that the Lord will forgive us of our sins when we ask, but I had not heard from the Lord that he had forgiven me of my sins. Faith tells me to realize that the Lord does not need to tell us that we are forgiven, because if we ask him to forgive us and we are truly humble and sincere, he will forgive us.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." ~ 1 John 1:9